Web public service announcements

If this came as a poster, I'd buy it and display it!
Via boingboing.

Too much data

I fear that this is our future. The data we generate will take 100 times longer to evaluate than it did to create.

Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

David Sedaris parody

A comedy group called Weak Nights did this sketch, answering the age-old question: what if David Sedaris delivered pizza?

It's accurate -- they even got his tone and vocal delivery right. I want to know how the beady-eyed parrot entered the story!

Via MetaFilter.

Neil Gaiman April Fool's

Neil Gaiman is famous enough that he was featured in a few different April Fool's jokes. Famous enough in science fiction/literary circles. He highlighted the inappropriate and appropriate ones on twitter.

VATICAN CITY - Today the Roman Curia announced that the beatification of Neil Gaiman had been completed, putting the writer one step closer to the official recognition of his sainthood. These steps were carried out despite the fact that Gaiman himself has repeatedly denied being a saint, pointing out that he was not Catholic, not really religious and, most importantly, not dead.

"Really, I'm not dead," said Gaiman when reached at his home. "Not even the slightest little bit. This whole sainthood thing has become something of a bother, with little old women with rosaries joining the usual contingent of Goth girls holding vigils on the west lawn. If you happen to run into Pope Benedict XVI, please tell him that the whole thing is quite silly and somewhat inconvenient."

Really, he's not dead. Or if he is, he figured out how to twitter from beyond the grave -- how cool is that?

Gmail autopilot

As more and more everyday communication takes place over email, lots of people have complained about how hard it is to read and respond to every message. This is because they actually read and respond to all their messages.

I don't actually read and respond to all my messages, though I do maintain inbox zero, mostly by either replying right away or failing fast. I welcome Google Autopilot! -- an automatic system that can read and reply to my emails and gchats, leaving me free to bumble about in a non-electronic existence. This feature was created by CADIE, Google's new post-singularity intelligence.

From the FAQ:

What happens if a sender and recipient both have Autopilot on?

Two Gmail accounts can happily converse with each other for up to three messages each. Beyond that, our experiments have shown a significant decline in the quality ranking of Autopilot's responses and further messages may commit you to dinner parties or baby namings in which you have no interest.

The Onion: still funny

Obama Depressed, Distant Since 'Battlestar Galactica' Series Finale

Since the end of the series, Obama has reportedly brushed off key budgetary decisions, ignored his wife and children, and neglected his daily workouts, claiming that he no longer cares if he lets himself go "just like Lee did before the rescue on New Caprica."

Sword Swallowers Awareness Day

Sword Swallowers Awareness Day was February 28. I know I missed it, but I thought it was worth mentioning anyway. Take some time out of your day today and thank the sword-swallower in your life. (Hat tip: R.)

Local headline

"Turkey hospitalized after barn fire at Farm Sanctuary"

Don't worry, no turkeys were killed. But one male turkey ("Chicky") might have suffered smoke inhalation.

Thank you, Ithaca Journal.

E.: when our father announced this at the breakfast table, I misheard him. I thought he said "Turkey hospitalized after bar fight." This would have been more exciting.

Turn off the reverse gear assist function now!

Actual transcript of conversation this afternoon; four people in the car. No fewer than two are talking at any one time.

"Who wants to drive?"
"I do!"
"Really?"
"No, just kidding."
"Ok, now E. and L., please look out your windows and tell me if anyone's coming."
We look across.
"No, look out your own windows."
"I see a car!"
"A window!"
"Ok, the car is stopped."
"They're waiting for you."
"Clear."
"Now they're moving a little."
"What?"
"Clear."
"But you're moving, too."
"I'm moving slowly like I'm mentally deficient."
"Still clear!"
"Cars!"
"Ok, now they're moving a little but you can see them."
"There are more cars out my window!"
"Look! -- some parked cars!"
"Oh, hey, a stop sign!"
"Wow, there are lots of cars in this parking lot!"
"Ok, turn off reverse gear assist function now!"

あぶない！

How is Santa related to mimes?

How is Loki related to Bigfoot? Find the answers to these, and other vitally important questions, on Santa Claus' family tree. Via Boingboing.

This family is awesome

Hundreds of cookies, board games, dart guns, throwing flightless birds, configuring bluetooth devices. I had my grammar and vocabulary usage questioned within 20 minutes of being picked up. (Also, it turns out that puffins can fly. So, amend that: "throwing flightless stuffed animals of flight-enabled birds.") Breaking into long monologues from Hamlet. Dinner conversation about the mechanics of virus infections and mathematical models for evolution. Breaking into FotC songs. After-dinner telekinesis practice to make room for dessert. Unexploded cows. The monotonically-increasing awkwardness game. Exploded cows. Breaking into OE sketches. Spare computers everywhere.

My family rocks. What a piece of work is man!

They are but pawns

There's simply too much political optimism lately. How about a reality-based perspective?
Alternatively, this would be a rockin' episode of Doctor Who.

All I want for Christmas

Is a pomegranate -- it does everything; cell phone, projector, coffee-brewer, real-time spoken-language translator..

Happy Halloween!

I like the in-camera color substitution performed here:The color, sampled from the front of a physics textbook, seemed well-suited to Halloween. Especially since it was applied so thoroughly over the original color, as seen here (in a different camera-effect experiment):

New Time Machine features

10 Big Announcements from Apple yesterday:

1. iPhone now available in three slightly different shades of black; pre-orders crash AT&T’s network yet again
2. New iPod PicoShuffle randomly plays up to three songs
3. Upgrade to OS X takes away some feature you really liked, replaces it with another way to access the iTunes Store
4. MacAir meets cousin Duncan MacAir who has the exact same specs and same release date but was never before mentioned, for some reason
5. Apple to buy up the last functioning remnants of the global finance system
6. New iPod Taste uses proprietary TongueScreen technology
7. Time Machine now allows access to the future, but some timelines are alternate so using it violates warranty
8. The entity known as Apple Inc. is actually a front for the Federation of Light
9. New commemorative black turtleneck that plays mp3s
10. Coming next year: US Festival ‘09

The environment

Ernie and I both like the environment, and enjoy living in it (not elsewhere!). We are not in favor of boats on which the the front falls off.

Edit: Credit goes to Natalie for showing this to me. ---Ernie

Food segregation

These watermelons were isolated from the other fruit at the supermarket, possibly because of their raucous behavior.We were relieved to see that a Thai restaurant had this anti-[food-]discriminatory sign in the window:

We serve brown rice.

The brown rice appreciates it! Thank goodness that, in these modern days, brown and white rice can peacefully be eaten in the same restaurant. (Is there a word like "coexist" that means to be eaten together? "Coeaten"?)

Unfortunately, the nearby "Three Peppers" restaurant does not serve brown rice. In fact, there are only six dishes on the menu (fewer if some of the peppers are interchangeable).

The future soon

I'm hoping that NP-complete problems are efficiently solvable, but I think it is more likely that the "obviously crucial in retrospect" item will win. In fact, it's nearly guaranteed to be true, since only ten other options are specified. (And it's unclear how combinations -- like "some 22nd-century people say that malevolent AI has taken over" -- would be characterized on this chart.)

High-speed data transfer!

Is USB 2.0 not fast enough for your data transfer needs? Then try Datastorm V1.0.

This technology is utterly delightful, fun and easy to operate, and makes all those old floppies useful again! (Via Engadget.)

How to traumatize your children

Our mother did not need this book:... though she might have written it. For only $10, it promises all the childhood trauma-inflicting techniques necessary to traumatize your children correctly. (Via Geekologie.)